Not your average 9 to 5, borderline charity work...

All of  the sickening, over used, cliche sayings of love are in fact all very very very true. My favorite has to be " You can't help who you love", ahh the way that this applies to my life is actually quite disturbing. Love is an insane thing, it will make you do things that you never imagined  you were capable of, it will expand your heart and patience farther than you have ever thought possible, it can wreck your world in ways that you could have never envisioned. There is a big difference between love and a relationship, anyone who has been through one of the two or even both could tell you that. I have had 3 relationships that were meaningful enough to even mention, out of those 3 have come tons of tears, memories, blood (literally), sweat ( keep ya mind out the gutter), more tears, arguments, domestic disturbances (every once and a while, it's normal  right?) and even a human life!  Out of the 3 though my current situation has to be one of the most perplexing to me and many that surround me, I have watched myself bend till I break, take more than I have ever thought of my self being able to handle, all for a greater cause! To me the last of the the famous 3, my most recent experience has to be love! No one stand up and cheer yet, hold the applause because I said it was love to me, does not mean that the one I will do superhuman things for reciprocates that emotion. I often think of my past situations in terms of my current and in my mind (which is far from average or quote normal end quote) I set up something like a talk show stage with all three of them in those tall chairs on one side and a host or hostess on the other, with the lovely subtitle (fill in some clever title here), all to discuss their relationships respectively with me. I watch the host go down the line and hear their own stories of life with me, good times and bad. I hear them all chime in when it comes to certain topics they can all relate to, I never claimed to be the easiest of people to live with, but they are no angels either, I just know what they would all have the same response toward. Then I can imagine the host getting to the current situation, the one whom I will blindly declare love for in more ways than one. When he speaks I see the other 2 sitting with jaws wide..."you did what... and she didn't smash your things or sell your clothes" ... "wait you got away with that....how?" ... "she still does this for you...what?!!?!" I see them looking at #3 with as much amazement and disbelief as those around me. Because even those around me can see that this one, number 3, has done things that the others never would have dreamed of, has tested my superhuman strengths and patience farther than others would have dared, and has most definitely made it longer and stronger than 1 or 2.  When the host brings me out and asks that question we are all dying to hear, "What makes number 3 so different?" I feel like the logical answer would have to be love!
If that is the answer that fits, why do I not hear the birds singing every morning, why do I not have a happy montage leading up to a picture perfect future, why is it not Hollywood cookie cutter love? I would have to believe that the only answer to that is that this modern marvel, the one who has lasted through time, the one who has tested me to all limits, does not feel it the way I do. It may be heart breaking to speak but at the same time there are only so many answers for this question, and I have come to terms with the answer, yet I continue my epic action packed pursuit for one reason and one reason alone....I still believe in humanity, logic, and fairness! I can not possibly give up on that! For up there is a down for right there is a left... every thing in life has it's balance and it's counterpart. I feel like he is my counter part, there is a reason that we have made it to this point even if by we I mean me pulling the weight of both of us. We have such a long history.... things that can never be replaced if I were to just meet someone today... yet the work that I put in to this has been absolutely tiring, and has more than broken my spirits, esteem, and attitude.
The work of  number 3, can not be filed under your average 9-5, nor could it even be compared to work for board situations, most closely accurate is charity work. It is a lot of time, money, and sacrifice. I do it all for what to me is the greater cause, a life of happiness, in a respectful, giving relationship. I don't mind hard work, anyone who knows me can tell you that. I came from a job where I worked over 70 hours a week for mediocre pay, when I live in pittsburgh I worked not one not two but three jobs at one time, I am currently successfully completing a 4 year degree in 2... so hard work is no stranger to hard work, because in most cases hard work has a fruitful return. You work hard at a job and you make money, you work hard at school and you get a degree with honors, etc. But putting you hard work in to and faith into another human is like taking your life savings and investments to Atlantic City to gamble. You never know your return, humans are not a guarantee or a solid bet. The free will of the mind can play out for the best or the worst, it can make sound smart decisions and terrible insane choices. That free will can also look past what all see as something so fitting and perfect and try to sabotage it out of fear to have something good. The human mind nothing that can be controlled, or even predicted, so the work you put into a human has got to be the more risky than any of the deadliest of jobs. I can't say that I have written the book on this subject though, so I am left with no answers only my broad understanding and experience with this subject. Yet I can offer no advice, I can't even take my own advice, I can only report it... till next time.

Faith and Respect are funny things...mix accordingly

Faith in itself can be a troubling issue, at times we hand it out where it is not deserved, at time we never receive it when it is only rightly deserved. However it isn't always a terrible thing, it can work in great harmony forming some of the best relationships, friendships, or even partnerships period in life... However this is a blog regarding chaos and craziness so of course we will not be discussing an example of that harmonious balance. Respect works much in the same way, handed out to the undeserving and neglected of those who are very worthy of it. What happens when you mix these traits with emotions can be basis for a solid time tested bond, or a recipe for disaster! Again the blog is not titled "Fun, Happy, Harmonious Times in the Life of Yours Truly" so let us take a look at that sarcastic filled recipe for disaster shall we!?

I am by no means naive, however sometimes I feel that I am too giving with my emotions and trusts, sadly not a cycle I can break. I bring new meaning to the term "turn the other cheek" and even when I have run out of cheeks, I find myself still holding on to things I have put faith and respect in. Giving myself in ways that others may not feel is even close to necessary, even borderline absurd.  I do it in all aspects of life, job relationships, friendships, and it has most definitely been a downfall in ALL of my relationships. I like to think of myself as slightly selfless (excuse me if I sound mildly conceited right now, but I have a point just stay with me) However don't have the full definition down because to be selfless means you give without expecting in return or having any feelings pretty much. I can most definitely give without expecting per say, the same thing in return, yet I can not kick those egotistical selfish desires for some type of recognition. In after thought maybe I am not as selfless as I like to think, maybe the word for it is overly generous. LOL. I will reschedule my day to fit in the need of someone close, I will give you my last dollar if you need it, there are many extremes that I will go to to make those I keep close feel loved, or to make sure they never go without, even if it brings me struggles, or some type of inner turmoil. That said I feel I am only fairly deserved a thank you, or a form of recognition or gratitude of some sort, apparently I am wrong in this thought; at least my past dealings have shown me so.

I have formed many long lasting close knit tight bonds with many different types of people there has to be some reason for that; I'd like to think that it is because I am a likable caring person. I have been guilty of giving faith and respect to those who have never taken the time out of their day to show me that gratitude or recognition that I feel I am so justly owed, however I never cease to be there or care for those people. I feel that lots of times that comes back to bite me in my own emotional ass. But that bite never seems to sting as much as it does when you watch these same people shout the praises, of those doing next to nothing for them, from the roof tops! GRRRRRRR!!! So quick to jump on the "New faith bandwagon" hold on to every word of such new introduction of some unbacked hope being offered, that  they forget about those who have been there like concrete and more giving than then the RedCross! WTF!!! Then you over time watch "New faith's" word fall through, again and again, but yet "new faith" is some how getting all the respect and faith that you have more than time testedly deserve??? Curious situation this is, because some how when this new movement falls through or passes you are still leaning on the same concrete you metaphorical spit on by never acknowledging!!! So I sit back and fight the sensations of being straight jacket, screaming profanities, while being sedated in a psych ward, and some how find the strength to continue to be that rock for you..... all because I care....so does it come to a point where you have to separate your emotions and be realistic or do you continue to do onto others as you would love to have done on to you? It's really a moral crossroads for me and I am not sure if I will ever have the correct answer, all I know is that those sensations of straight jackets, some days feel more like premonitions of my immediate, near future!

So I guess I'm a follower and not a leader.....

So I guess that I am a follower and not a leader, because here I am with a blog. I'm fine with this realization  because most leaders are highly criticized , and well I don't take criticism very well. I'm not sure if I have anything monumental to offer the chaos of the world wide web, however I feel that I am fun and witty and have an interesting way of putting a twist on even the worst of situations. I have to admit that as far as life goes mine is pretty uneventful; however whenever there is an event, it always seems to be bizarre and extreme, I guess that's my life. For instance, I have never broken a bone, still have my tonsils intact, hardly ever get sick but growing up the one time I did, it happened to be an extremely rare brain tumor, go figure! I'm good now though as crazy as that may sound on paper or screen, but that's just an example of the insane oddity that its my life. Even the birth of my only child was extreme.... 38 hours of labor and all, but those who have met her can attest to the fact that her life is a stage and she is the star, full of of drama, excess, energy and passion; so what better way to come into this world than with a dramatic entrance.
I'm not sure where to start here because this week I haven't had any zany experiences, or heartfelt stories that need to be shared. I want this to be a place for me to cliche as it sounds get things off my chest but I also don't want it to sound like a rant and rave page about the trials and tribulations of my life. All the above and I am an extreme procrastinator.....so maybe I'll have some exciting random chaotic encounter to write about later this week...or find a way to put my fun twist on the current and dull situations of my life right now but .... until then ...